mind·ful·ness
ˈmīn(d)f(ə)lnəs/
noun
- the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something. “their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition”
- a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.
In simple terms, the word mindfulness means to be aware. The concept seems simple, but fully understanding the concept of mindfulness reaches far more places than you might imagine. Some might view the concept of mindfulness as how we treat others, some may view it as the practice of perfecting a skill, or a particular view. The concept of mindfulness can be interpreted in as many ways as there are minds. Mindfulness however, at least in the beginning simply means that we take time to observe our own minds as we encounter day to day issues. We consider what we do (mostly out of habit), and weigh the value of the actions.
In my own experience, (from my own singular perspective), I looked as honestly as I could at my tendencies to use anger as a coping mechanism. I was in the shower one afternoon (not long after having a verbal altercation with my son), and began to think about the second noble truth, that we create our own pain because we seem to always want what we don’t have (better relationships, latest phone, new car, someone else to do jobs we don’t like… etc). I thought about the fight we had, how we both began to yell at each other. In the midst of the yelling, blaming, fear, and defensiveness everything that I wanted for my son in that moment, was lost forever in the verbal parrying of our fight. I then thought about other fights he, and I had (we were famous for them), then dug up as many fights, disagreements, and altercations I’ve ever had with anyone I could think of, for as far back as I could remember them. I asked myself only one question… was the anger I experienced, my fault or, was my anger caused by someone else? Oh how I wanted the fault to lie with everyone else, I knew at some level I wanted to be the righteous victim, if not righteous… at least right… The honest answer to my personal query, was that regardless of the situation, no matter the topic… the anger was mine, and mine alone. I stood stunned for a moment staring at the tiled wall in front of me, a few tears building inside of my eyes, and realized that in every incident, no matter who lost their temper first, no matter who did what to whom, and no matter how I felt I was wronged… there was never the shadow of an instant where I was forced to be angry… it just wasn’t possible, and never, ever happened. I accepted the fact that I had literally lived 53 years using anger to control people, and to get my way… I also discovered that because of the anger I used… I never controlled anyone, and never got my way. I used a painful tool as a means to build what I wanted, and never noticed that what I was doing was destroying trust, and driving wedges between myself and others. In that very instant, and only by taking an extremely honest look at my own behavior, not hiding from the truth I saw, and not blaming anyone, I began to be awake.
My friends, mindfulness is simply being aware of what we do, and making every effort to understand why we do it. It means that we try to approach life in a way that if we do happen to do something that is not necessary (or causes pain), we try to reverse it if we can, or at least be aware of our negative habit in order to not make the same mistake again.
Something I started doing on the same day that I had my epiphany about anger was to watch how I reacted to people. In no time at all. I noted that, I would begin to feel frustrations at the smallest of things and, these feelings were so quick to surface, that I realized I had been reacting angrily to people out of habit. If a wait-person didn’t approach my table quickly enough, or refill a drink quickly enough, I would begin to sulk. If enough time passed, I would leave (leaving a restaurant delays eating much more than simply waiting by the way…). If someone made an erratic move in traffic that was too close to me… I would literally blow up… yelling, screaming, throwing hand gestures in all directions.. This behavior literally did nothing but scare the heck out of the people in the vehicle with me, creating issues that didn’t exist before, and did nothing to deter, or correct the other driver… so literally… I yelled at myself, and my family because someone else did something that I didn’t like… Ohhhhh there are so many things we do out of habit that do absolutely nothing but cause pain for ourselves, and those around us… I realized that, though I “knew” I was on the wrong path in my life, and “thought” I was getting better… all I was doing was putting a shiny coat of paint on top of a rusty, angry surface… Some of the changes I thought I made looked good on the surface, but when tested… the paint flaked and chipped with ease, revealing that my reactive nature really hadn’t changed at all, only how I tried to appear. After that afternoon shower however. after I chose to honestly look at myself, I let go of my use of anger. From almost daily angry reactions to the smallest of things, I can say that in almost six months, I have only slipped a few times (less than five), and have addressed each transgression as they occured.
We all have negative habits that become patterns, we all develop these habits thinking they are necessary… it’s human nature… Take stock, watch how you react to people, events, conditions… Once you find a pattern, ask yourself a simple question.. “Does this reaction help anyone, or does it cause pain for the sake of pain?” Be honest with yourself. If what you see, does not actually help a situation, if it harms someone else, or if it does not represent who you want to be… then mindfully, and purposefully, find a way to adjust your actions. Once you see that what you do causes pain to yourself, and others, I promise you… your life will alter it’s course for the better.
There is a saying that says “we can tell the character of someone, by how he treats others from whom he has nothing to gain”. No matter who you are dealing with, no matter the situation, know that who you are, is reflected in how mindful you are to yourself, and with others.
Namo Buddhaya friends!